change

march 3, 2024

i'm changing and i don't enjoy it. i feel myself rotting from the inside, brain and heart shrinking in on themselves. every day is a sugar rush and every night is dreadful clarity. is this teenhood: stars becoming black holes, dying and going cold?

my friends are changing and i don't enjoy it. they aren't slipping away, no, and they aren't being taken from me, either, they're just … changing. and like an aging mother i cling to the baby books and worn out plush toys and lose myself in nostalgic reverie.

everything is changing and i don't enjoy it. last february i was happier. last february i was younger. last february i wasn't so full of hate. i want to go back. can't repeat the past? why, of course you can! oh, even if i fail, i know i'd at least be at peace bleeding out in the water. maybe if i fell asleep right now i'd never wake up and i'd find myself forever a child.